Bill Brasky Sketch: At the Airport

Original air date: January 20, 1996
Cast: Alec Baldwin, Will Ferrell, David Koechner, Mark McKinney, Tim Meadows

See also:
At the Bar
At the Funeral
At the Holiday Inn
At the Little League Game

Transcript:
First Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch! Do you fellas know Bill Brasky?

Second Friend of Brasky: Hell yeah, I know Bill Brasky! Big fella, goes about 6′4″, 280. He loves his Scotch!

Third Friend of Brasky: He does! He’s a hell of a salesman!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Third: Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son?

Fourth: Bill Brasky?

First: He’s a big fella!

Second: Oh yeah, he’s a big guy! Goes about 6′7″, 385.

Third: Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol’ Bill Brasky pushes aside the priest and says, “I’ll baptize that piece of calamari!” Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, “There! You’re baptized!”

Fourth: And your son is blind to this day!

First: Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn’t he?

Third: I have no idea. [ pause ] To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Second: Did I ever tell you about the time that Bill Brasky sold me into slavery?

First: Well, if you’re talking about Bill Brasky, I believe it!

Second: I am! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I’m chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol’ Brasky, he’s back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!

First: I hate Bill Brasky…but I respect him!

Guy At Bar: Are you talking about Bill Brasky? I know Bill Brasky!

First: Then let me buy you a round!

Third: Hey, easy, Hank, easy…to Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Fourth: Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky showed up at my daughter’s wedding? You know my daughter; she’s a beautiful girl.

First: I tell you, I’d like to have sex with her!

Fourth: Well, Brasky shows up and you know he’s a big fella.

Third: Goes about 7′8″, 530.

Fourth: He does. Well, he’s standing right in between me and my daughter during the ceremony. He’s got no right to be there, but he’s drunk and it’s Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! [ the guys laugh ] Wait, hold up! Hold up! Hold up! Hold up! We spend the weekend in the Pocono’s – he loves me like I’ve never been loved before!

Second: Best damn salesman in the office!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Third: You know how Brasky served three tours in ‘Nam?

Fourth: Uh-huh!

Third: Well, I’m in Corpus Christi on business a month ago and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter…which made me a little curious. I asked him his name, and sure enough, it’s Ho Tran Brasky!

First: To William Robert Brasky!

Second: Oh, yeah!

Fourth: Hey, you ever go camping with Brasky?

Third: Many times.

First: I went camping with Brasky, his wife and his daughter Debbie!

Third: Debbie Brasky?

First: Debbie Brasky. She’s 7-years-old, goes about 3′9″, 55 pounds. [inaudible sound from a buddy] Right. So, I’m in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, “I’m Bill Brasky! Say it!” Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth – “Billbrasky!” It wasn’t, it wasn’t exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

Third: That’s Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!!

Fourth: I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

First: His favorite movie is “One on One” with Robby Benson.

Fourth: Bill Brasky made me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I’ve ever seen!

Second: I have that tape!

Guy At Bar: [ turning around ] So do I!

Third: To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Big Booming Voice: [ from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle ] Did someone say Bill Brasky?

Together: BILL BRASKY!!

See also:
At the Bar
At the Funeral
At the Holiday Inn
At the Little League Game