Bill Brasky Sketch: At the Bar

Original air date: December 12, 1998
Cast: Alec Baldwin, John Goodman, Will Ferrell

See also:
At the Airport
At the Funeral
At the Holiday Inn
At the Little League Game

Transcript:
First friend of Brasky: The market…market’s up eighty points.

Second friend of Brasky: I’ll never figure out this market.

Third friend of Brasky: One day she’s up. [pause] The next day she’s up…

First friend of Brasky: Hey, do you fellas know a guy by the name of Bill Brasky?

Second: Yeah, I know Bill Brasky. He’s a 10 foot-tall beast-man, who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.

Third: Best damn trader on the floor.

First: Yes.

Second: He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith and Wesson.

Third: Brasky went public with his own buttocks and made seven million.

First: To Bill Brasky.

Together: Bill Brasky!

First: Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hun…hunting?

Second: I masturbate to the Teletubbies.

First: Anyway, Brasky decides he’s going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives except Fleegle.

Third: We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Second: Brasky once hosted the Grammy’s and gave every award to Corey Hart.

First: He has a toenail on the end of his penis.

Third: Brasky got his wife pregnant and she gave birth to a delicious 16 oz. steak.

Second: The afterbirth was sautéed mushrooms.

First: Brasky’s family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

Third: Brasky’s ranked 18th in the AP College Football poll.

Second: To Bill Brasky.

Together: Bill Brasky!

Woman: Excuse me, do you know where the pay phone is?

Second: Piss off, sister…and get us some pretzels.

First: Yeah!

Woman: You men smell awful!

Second: Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of “The King and I?”

First: Every morning I crap the bed!

Second: Anyway, on opening night Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.

Third: He breastfeeds John Madden.

First: Brasky made the group Sha Na Na. They did not want to be called that.

Second: If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky’s nipple it plays the Beach Boys’ “Pet Sounds”.

Third: They use Brasky’s foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium.

First: Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high-heels.

Second: He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Third: All the ‘Yes’ album covers are Brasky family photos.

Second: Darryl Dawkins has a summer home in Brasky’s groin.

First: To Bill Brasky.

Together: Bill Brasky!

First: Hey did I ever tell you about the time Brasky taught his son how to drive?

Third: I’m legally retarded.

First: Anyway, Brasky taught his son how to drive by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said “it woulda happened sometime.”

Second: Brasky’s semen can form into a liquid human.

First: Like the guy from “Terminator 2″.

Third: Brasky still believe in Santa Claus and he wants to put him in porno films.

Second: He thinks the Iron Man is gay.

Third: HE FRAMED ROGER RABBIT!

First: Brasky used to ride upon a steed per chance to spy a lady.

Second: The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky except for the part about planting apple trees…and not raping men.

Third: He gave a hand-job to a manta ray.

First: [Incoherent babble]

Second: I hear ya’ buddy.

Third: To Bill Brasky.

Together: Bill Brasky.

Big Booming Voice: I’m Bill Brasky, and I just cornered the market on booze. Who wants a drink?

Together: BILL BRASKY!!

See also:
At the Airport
At the Funeral
At the Holiday Inn
At the Little League Game