Bill Brasky Sketch: At the Funeral

Original air date: February 22, 1997
Cast: Alec Baldwin, Will Ferrell, Mark McKinney, Tim Meadows

See also:
At the Airport
At the Bar
At the Holiday Inn
At the Little League Game

Transcript:
Third Friend of Brasky: I can’t believe he’s gone!

First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office!

Second Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky was a son of a bitch.

Third Friend of Brasky: I’m gonna miss him!

Second Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Third Friend of Brasky: A ten foot monster who slept with all of our wives!

Second Friend of Brasky: And he punched us all in the face.

First Friend of Brasky: And we LOVED him for it.

Third Friend of Brasky: He had a four day heart attack!

First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, a day for every chamber!

Second Friend of Brasky: When they did the autopsy, they said his heart was like a basketball filled with ricotta cheese!

Third Friend of Brasky: They found sixty dollars in change in his stomach!

First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Third Friend of Brasky: I remember one time Brasky took his family to Sea World…

First Friend of Brasky: I’m wearing a diaper!

Third Friend of Brasky: Anyway, they were watching Shamu the whale when Brasky got splashed!

Second Friend of Brasky: [speaks incoherently]

Third Friend of Brasky: Right. So Brasky yells, “I’m Bill Brasky and no one gets me wet!” So he climbs into the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale into the audience, splashes him and yells, “Now how do you like it?!” And then damn if Brasky didn’t step in there and finish the show.

Second Friend of Brasky: That’s just like Brasky!

First Friend of Brasky: You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe.

Third Friend of Brasky: He did all the make-up on the Planet of the Apes movies.

Second Friend of Brasky: He taught – he taught me how to love a woman – and how to scold a child.

First Friend of Brasky: He had dandruff the size of mice!

Second Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him?

Third Friend of Brasky: I’m a convicted sex offender!

Second Friend of Brasky: Anyways, we go off lookin’ for a bar and we can’t find one. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot and says, “Here we are!” Well, we sat there for a year and a half, until sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us!

First Friend of Brasky: P. J. McGinty’s!

Second Friend of Brasky: That’s right, that’s right! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, “Always leave things the way you found them!”

Third Friend of Brasky: He was a terrible man!

First Friend of Brasky: He once punched a hole in a cow just so he could see who was comin’ up the road.

Third Friend of Brasky: He had nine children, all of ‘em boys!

Second Friend of Brasky: Hell, he sired a baseball team.

Third Friend of Brasky: An orchestra, if you count the bastards!

Second Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Woman: Excuse me, could you gentlemen please keep it down? This is a funeral!

First Friend of Brasky: Oh! Sorry.

Third Friend of Brasky: Sorry, sorry. Hey, you mind gettin’ us some fresh ice there, girlie?

Woman: You are horrible men!

First Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time I had breakfast with Brasky?

Second Friend of Brasky: My Uncle Hal molested me!

First Friend of Brasky: Anyways, Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight. When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, “All in all, I prefer gin!”

Third Friend of Brasky: That’s just like Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Brasky talkin’ in his sleep!

Third Friend of Brasky: He once breast-fed an injured flamingo back to health.

First Friend of Brasky: He used to jog around the block with a fridge on his back!

Second Friend of Brasky: His poop is considered currency in Argentina!

First Friend of Brasky: He loved extension cords!

Third Friend of Brasky: He hated Mexicans!

Second Friend of Brasky: And he was half Mexican!

First Friend of Brasky: And he hated irony!

Third Friend of Brasky: He grew a third arm and kept it in a vault!

Second Friend of Brasky: He slept eight hours a night! Well, he was pretty normal when it came to that.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Excuse me! Are you guys talkin’ about Bill Brasky?

First and Second Friend of Brasky: We certainly are!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: I know Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: I like you!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Four: Bill Brasky!

Booming Voice of Bill Brasky: I’m back! Now, top me off, you bastards!

All Four: Bill Brasky!

See also:
At the Airport
At the Bar
At the Holiday Inn
At the Little League Game