Bill Brasky Sketch: At the Holiday Day Inn

Original air date: March 16, 1996
Cast: John Goodman, Will Ferrell, David Koechner, Mark McKinney, Tim Meadows

See also:
At the Airport
At the Bar
At the Funeral
At the Little League Game

Transcript:
First: Have you fellas ever worked with a guy by the name of Bill Brasky?

Together: Bill Brasky!? YEAH!

Second: Sure have, and I’ll tell you one thing. Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch.

Third: Best damn salesman in the office.

Fourth: You know he goes about 6′8″ 340 pounds.

Second: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky forced me to wear a woman’s bikini around the office?

Third: Oh God, I love this story.

First: And I’d love to have sex with your wife.

Second: Anyway, Brasky tears off my clothes and makes me wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to conduct all my business wearing a woman’s bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily. But at the end of the quarter I’ll be damned if my sales hadn’t tripled.

Fourth: To Bill Brasky.

Together: Bill Brasky!

First: He goes about 7′ 10″, 590.

Second: He’ll eat a homeless person if you dare him.

Fifth: Hey, are you guys talking about Bill Brasky?

Together: We certainly are.

Fifth: I know Bill Brasky!

Second: Then let me buy you a round.

Third: Attaboy, Hank. Now, he-he-he-here’s somethin’. You know, uh. You gentlemen know how I like to steal loose change and valuables from your houses whenever I’m over…anyway, here’s a Brasky story. One time I asked Brasky to dress up like Santa for a Christmas party I was throwing for my children; you know Jacob and Christine?

Fourth: Sure they’re dumb as rocks and they always have dirty faces.

Third: Yep, that’s them, that’s them. Well Brasky shows up as Santa reaches into his bag and says: “I’ve got goodies for you kids.” He proceeds to hand out scrap metal and cigarettes to them. Then he takes off his beard and says: “There’s no Santa ’cause I ate him.”

Second: Brasky’s a son of a bitch.

Together: To Bill Brasky!

Fourth: You know Brasky goes about 9′ 8″, 790 pounds.

First: Oh, you know he sheds his skin once a year.

Second: I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansbury.

Third: Did I ever tell you about the time that I went horseback riding with Brasky, but there weren’t any horses around? Well, Brasky throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well wouldn’t you know it my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Brasky decides to enter me in the Breeders Cup, right? Under the name Turkish Delight. And I’m running in second place, and I’m running and I BREAK MY ANKLE.

Together: [Laughter]

Third: So anyway they’re about to shoot me. Then someone from the crowd yells out, God bless him, don’t shoot him he’s a human.

Fifth: Hey, I lost money on you.

Second: I like you a lot…

Fifth: Hey is this guy going to hurt me?

First: No he likes you. He likes you.

Third: To Bill Brasky.

Together: To Bill Brasky!

Fourth: You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.

First: Like an alligator he can fully digest a turtle shell.

Third: His favorite TV movie is “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble” starring John Travolta.

Second: He’ll gorg hullaghas then [gurgling noises]…

Together: To Bill Brasky!!

Big Booming Voice: Gentleman. I’m the new bartender. Who wants a cocktail?

Together: BILL BRASKY!

See also:
At the Airport
At the Bar
At the Funeral
At the Little League Game