Bill Brasky Sketch: At the Little League Game

Original air date: May 10, 1997
Cast: John Goodman, Will Ferrell, Mark McKinney, Tim Meadow

See also:
At the Airport
At the Bar
At the Funeral
At the Holiday Inn

Transcript:
First: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch.

Second: Best damn salesman in the office.

Third: To Bill Brasky.

Together: To Bill Brasky!

First: An 8′, 2-ton monster who can palm a medicine ball. [laughter] That’s what he is.

Woman: Excuse me, excuse me. A lot of us have come here to watch our children. Would you please just stop drinking and yelling?

Second: You got a nice caboose on you, honey.

Third: Sure do.

First: Yeah.

Woman: You are horrible men.

Second: Come on, Junior! If you don’t catch the ball I’ll put the dog to sleep.

First: You’re a fine father.

Third: Did you ever hear about the time that Brasky’s father told him to take out the garbage?

First: I don’t have a penis!

Third: Anyway, when Brasky’s about 9-years old his Dad asked him to take out the garbage. So Brasky punched his father in the face, stuffs him in a garbage bag then dumps him on the curb and says “Look, I took out the garbage.”

Second: You know Brasky went through puberty in one night.

First: That’s right. He howled like a werewolf for ten hours and in the morning he had a beard.

Second: That’s right.

Third: He…he sweats Gatorade.

Second: The Pope told him it was okay to have a mistress.

First: He once inhaled a seagull.

Third: He date raped Davie Bowie.

Second: To Bill Brasky!

All three: To Bill Brasky!!!

Second: Son! You start hittin’ the ball or I’ll beat your mother!

First: Did I ever tell you about the time that Brasky bought a pet cobra and walked it in a park on a leash?

Second: Last night I tried to kill myself again.

First: So anyway, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly, and he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes Brasky had to shoot the maid.

Second: Brasky would use his own thigh as an anvil.

Third: You know it was the sight of Brasky’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.

Second: He showers in grain alcohol.

First: He uses The Shroud of Turin as a golf towel.

Second: He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.

Third: He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

First: His first name is Bill. [pause] I’m drunk.

Second: He makes every woman that sleeps with him refer to him as Bear Bryant.

First: He once ate The Bible while-while water skiing.

Third: Did I ever tell you he once had sex with a cigarette machine?!

First: [Incoherent mumbling]

Third: You’re damn right and every kid on this field was fathered by Bill Brasky.

First: Every one of ‘em.

Second: To Bill Brasky.

Together: BILL BRASKY!

Fourth: Hey, are you guys talking about Bill Brasky?

Together: We certainly are!

Fourth: I know Bill Brasky!

First: I want to be your dear friend.

Big Booming Voice: Hey everybody. This game’s called on account of scotch. ‘Cause Bill Brasky wants a drink.

Together: BILL BRASKY!!

See also:
At the Airport
At the Bar
At the Funeral
At the Holiday Inn