Many, many moons ago, Scoot found himself in need of getting a new pair of laces for his bowling shoes. So he decided to ask me about them. Now, at the time, Scoot's average was really low and no matter what he tried he was unable to figure out the game's most basic elements. What cracked me up was his insistence that if he continued to throw money at better equipment (top notch shoes, a new ball, etc.) that his game would improve. Nuh-uh.

What follows is a ten minute IM conversation between the two of us back in 2002 that became an instant part of "The Classics."

Scooter (10:06 AM): Ok, this might sounds like a really dumb question,
Scooter (10:06 AM): but since I've never had to do this before, I don't want to fuck up.
Scooter (10:06 AM): Is there anything special about the laces on bowling shoes, or can I just go grab a basic beige pair from Osco?
Scooter (10:08 AM): (Yes, it looks even dumber seeing it typed out, but I have no idea if there is anything special about the length or the friction of their material or whatever.)
Ken (10:09 AM): Sorry, was on the phone... catching up now.
Ken (10:09 AM): Well, seeing how you actually think that there is a legitimate benefit to...
Ken (10:10 AM): a) having a fingertip ball that you only throw straight and...
Ken (10:10 AM): b) having a pair of shoes with various approach pads...
Ken (10:10 AM): yes, not having the proper shoe laces will throw off your balance and cause you to leave the ten pin more often than not.
Scooter (10:10 AM): Fine, enough with the sarcasm. I get the point. Any standard pair will do.
Ken (10:12 AM): No, I'm serious...
Ken (10:12 AM): having non-bowling shoe laces (of the bright pink, yellow, or green variety) will keep your average in the 120 range or below.
Ken (10:13 AM): Every single one of the bowling greats has enjoyed countless games with their fluorescent yellow threads smiling up at them.
Scooter (10:13 AM): I honestly don't know why I bother.
Ken (10:13 AM): A bright shoe is a happy shoe.
Scooter (10:13 AM): Hah
Ken (10:13 AM): Most pros retire their bright strings after they bowl a 300...
Ken (10:14 AM): for they do not want to risk tainting their laces with a subpar game.
Ken (10:14 AM): My 268 that I shot in my youth?
Ken (10:14 AM): Hot pink laces.
Ken (10:14 AM): Bowling specific laces.
Ken (10:14 AM): Laces made for bowling shoes only.
Scooter (10:15 AM): You should cherish that fact that someone comes to you for mentoring rather than abuse it.
Ken (10:15 AM): Hand-crafted by the gnomes of Bowligia...
Ken (10:15 AM): from the soft hairs of the Breaking Hook stallion.
Ken (10:16 AM): Each lace takes up to six to eight weeks to come into place...
Ken (10:16 AM): and each strand is woven just so.
Ken (10:16 AM): The magic that is embedded in them gives each string its blinding glow.
Ken (10:16 AM): For a while in the early '70s there was a movement to ban the laces...
Ken (10:17 AM): as the bowlers that utilized their incredible powers were averaging 40-50 pins higher than their competitors...
Ken (10:17 AM): but then special red heart laces were made for these people...
Ken (10:17 AM): and the entire bowling world came together and sang songs about Coca-Cola upon some hill top.
Ken (10:17 AM): So, yes, my friend...
Ken (10:17 AM): by all means...
Ken (10:17 AM): cherish thine yellow laces!
Ken (10:18 AM): Wrap them around your penis for increased stamina and thrust...
Scooter (10:18 AM): You should write children's bowling books.
Ken (10:18 AM): adorn your head with one for clarity of thought and precision...
Ken (10:18 AM): tuck one inside your rectum for a colon cleansing...
Ken (10:18 AM): the utility of the for-bowling-only laces is never-ending.
Scooter (10:18 AM): There once was a time where you were the one person I could talk to about *anything*.
Scooter (10:18 AM): Now I can't even discuss shoelaces.
Ken (10:19 AM): We're not talking about shoe laces...
Ken (10:19 AM): these are BOWLING shoe laces...
Ken (10:19 AM): there's a difference.
Ken (10:19 AM): I couldn't resist.
Ken (10:19 AM): I was having fun with that one.
Ken (10:20 AM): The "Breaking Hook stallion" got me the most.
Ken (10:20 AM): Just seeing these fucking little people trying to catch these animals to use their hairs for shoe laces got me.
Scooter (10:21 AM): And not just for any shoe laces,
Scooter (10:21 AM): just for bowling.
Ken (10:21 AM): Oh yes.
Scooter (10:21 AM): Nothing else.
Ken (10:21 AM): Well, 'cept the clarity of thought and ass cleaning.

And people wonder why we are still best friends.

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