New email message from…Ligaments O’Saucepan?!?
Some of the names attached to spam emails are just hilarious.
The Fall of 2009 will mark the 20th anniversary of me receiving my first legitimate email address. Throughout the past two decades I have both sent and received countless messages to and from friends and foes alike. I’d be willing to bet that I’ve never gone longer than 24 hours without checking my email in the past twenty years. Simply put, I love email.
Unfortunately for everyone that enjoys the relative ease and speed of using email, we have to deal with those who abuse its power. Naturally I’m talking about spammers. There’s nothing more disheartening than opening up ones inbox to find that you have thirty-seven new emails with only two of them being legitimate. Sorry…I do not need nor want Botox, a VIP membership to your casino or anything to increase my stamina. I’m doing well, thank you.
One day while working at an Internet startup company (whose CEO still legally owes me money now that I think about it) in the mid-90s I received an email from a “Flossie Blackwell.” Even before I could read the email I found myself envisioning what someone named Flossie Blackwell would look like. She’d be a short and very feisty African-American woman in her early seventies with a voice not unlike Barbara, the campus cleaning woman I affectionally referred to as “Mom” back in my college days. Shortly thereafter I became conscious of the sound of my own laughter. The name alone had brought joy to my heart…and an audible guffaw. While I can’t remember anything about the contents of the email itself, the name has remained a favorite ever since.
Since that day I’ve been keeping a shortlist of the best names attached to the random electronic messages that make their way into my new mail count. I’d like to share with one and all the names that have either brought a smile to my face or flat out made me chuckle.
| Abel Johnson Agatha Reek Ahmed Crump Appleton B. Digestions Arcadia M. Sniffled Ass Phillipics Beelzebub Walser Betty Coffey Beulah I. Bruno Boon Pok Burbled C. Rockets Butane Q. Synthesizes Butta Basehore Carmine Crabtree Cherry Stout Clem Kimery Clowney Weenum Cogwheels O. Relinquishment Colette Bobbe Concordia Kolassa Constance Chu Consuelo Jenkins Cooky Youngblood Crispy Cripple Disputes M. Backfires Divorce F. Buns Dudley Foley Eckbert Hollandsworth Effie Fulcher Eustace Dickie Fabian Nonelection Fagoted G. Clampdown Fannie Coon Fanny Spicer Faustino Crowe Faustino Hogan Faustino Moody |
Faustino Randle Faustino Tackett Filide N. DiSisto Flophouses P. Carped Flossie Blackwell Flossie Christiansen Flossie Holmes Flossie Khan Flossie Mathis Flossie Shipman Foster Yazzie Frankfurter U. Shoving Freeman Butts Frog K. Miter Gavin Unmeddling Gay Hope Gringo E. Textures Griselda Vasquez Grundy Q. Charbroils Hadley Upfling Ham Sangbang Hank Booker Harrell Nonhomogenous Harvesting H. Chlorides Hattie Bonilla Hillary Beaver Hoodia Gordoni Hung Lockwood Hurley Preshrunk Intercourse J. Icecap Iris Q. Weston Ismael Beaver Jasper Blackmon Jasper Masters Jemima H. Jones Jeremiah Harry Jesus Cox |
Jesus D. King Jimmie Pillow Ki Pospisil Knigge Lani Zanotti Lauren Stout Lavena Duckworth Lawanda Crump Lawanda F. Bowling Leila Mccarty Ligaments O'Saucepan Lins Hipp Logan Lester Longford Mcelroy Mack Hoover Magee P. Meggy Master C. Junkies Mavis Chung Maxwell Fink Maynard Ghetto Moses Babcock Mungo F. Keely Napoleon Belcher Nightsticks L. Gnu Ofelia Sheets Pablo Chan Paddles T. Jenny Pansy Cornett Pansy E. Pittman Pansy Oakley Pansy Weeks Pasty Rodriguez Pedro J. Hicks Peter Woody Phung Hicks Pluto Fisher Pythagoras Vandegrift |
Quetzalcoatl Jansen Randall Woody Reinaldo K. Kirk Rippetoe Maire Robin Colon Rockman McBee Rocky Fink Rodolfo Ballback Rogelio Roach Roop Talosig Rusty Rogers Sarcastic Otto Scarified C. Sickness Scrubs T. Thumbtacks Scottie Sqwqzjpa Sheldon Funk Shifting C. Locket Spraggins Lettsome Stills G. Beavers Supervision D. Hindering Suzette Bain Swindler Abigantus Tucson O. Pedant Tumors D. Fryers Turnip P. Concurrency Turquoise Q. Latitudinal Unblushing B. Three Ursula Lamb Valentine McGraw Vaporizer Q. Tabloids Velvet Jacobs Vern Tidwell Waxing O. Punt Weighty L. Pew Willie Strong Winifred Coon |
Seriously, though, I’d pay to party with Flossie Blackwell. I bet she’s just awesome.
List last updated on July 13th, 2009.
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Hi Ken!
About four months back, I started getting a lot of spam with vaguely nature-oriented names;”Hedges Smith” was one, and “Marjorie Oakleaf” was another.
They were enchanting, and I gathered them all into a file…
and then my hard drive crashed and I lost them all.
A google search led me to your trove, and I actually remember some of these! Flophouses P.Carped, how could I have forgotten him?
Winifred Coon, is fairly recent, isn’t she?
Thanks for the giggle!